From time to time I feel like I am being crushed underneath the weight of things that I ought to do with my time. I have a long list of books that I want to have read, as well as many movies, TV shows and podcasts that I want to have seen/listened to since they (they being the books, movies, TV shows and podcasts) contain such profound material. There are also many relationships in my life that I feel I ought to spend more time working on, including my relationship with my wife, my close friends, my immediate and not-so-immediate family and acquaintances that I don't know well but would like to know on a more personal level. Additionally, there are many personal habits I want (or more accurately want to want) to form, such as going to sleep and waking up at reasonable hours, eating healthily, exercising regularly, spending time praying/meditating daily, keeping the house and car clean, and brushing my teeth twice a day (yes I'm 25 and I still regularly struggle with this). Lastly, there are a myriad of inconsequential things I want to accomplish and yet consistently fail to get done. A few examples of things currently on my list are: putting a new lightbulb in the light by my computer, ordering a new hubcap for the car, replying to emails that have been sitting in my inbox and moving my music library from iTunes to Google Play. This doesn't even touch on the things I ought to be doing to help those that are in need due to the rampant social, economic, racial and gender inequality in our country. Just writing all of this down has been a little overwhelming.
Though I do occasionally further some of these goals, generally my response to the overwhelmingness of it all is to shut down and do something that is engaging enough to keep my mind off of the "oughts" I just mentioned but mindless enough that I don't get overly mentally fatigued (this usually means playing League of Legends). I think that my response is to distract myself either because I don't know where to begin, or I am convinced that my goals are unattainable and thus ought not to be pursued (also playing video games, or doing some other trivial activity often gives me a sense of accomplishment which is rather pleasant, and something that I less frequently encounter in actual life). I know that I'm supposed to be perfect just like God is perfect, but that fact isn't very motivating (sidenote: sometimes I wonder how Jesus got so many people to follow him around saying stuff like that).
This all speaks to a tension that I have increasingly felt for some time now. That tension is between the ideal of perfection and the realistic goals that I can accomplish. As I understand it, the Christian life calls me to strive for the highest standard imaginable, the perfection of God, all the while knowing that as a finite, contingent being I am incapable of embodying the perfection of God. As of right now, however, I'm not sure how to keep perfection as my goal without being discouraged. So, if you happen to be reading this and have some answers for me please fill me in, for the time being though I think I will continue trying to make sense of this tension while hopefully moving forward, however incremental my progress might be.
I definitely don't have answers, but have certainly felt similarly, I just watch Netflix instead of playing League of Legends. This prayer is sometimes discouraging in its own way, but some days helps me heal from my perfectionism.
ReplyDeleteIt helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is even beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent
enterprise that is God's work. Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of
saying that the Kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the Church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.
This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an
opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master
builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.
Bishop Ken Untener of Saginaw
Thanks for this Niqui. It's nice to know in a concrete fashion that other people struggle with this, and the prayer you put here is beautiful :)
DeleteI changed the lightbulb for you <3
ReplyDeleteThanks honeybuns! Yous is da best
DeleteYou da best! And I would say let's forget about the hubcap for now.
DeleteIt is strange to discover that someone you admires so much, is humble enough to ask other for life recommendations.
ReplyDeleteI dont think I'm the right person to tell anyone how to live their lifes, but I think it is important to know that one can not control everything, sometimes we have to take a brake and stop thinking about everything we need/want to accomplish, in order to thank god for all we have and all we accomplished at such a young age.
I'm very happy that you've started a blog, I think great people should find the way to share their thoughts with others. Probably i wont offer much feedback to your bolg, but I promise I will be looking forward to your updates.
Thanks for the encouraging words Guille :) You are awesome, and what you have to say means a lot to me. I love you brother!
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